Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.