Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
This one, by a wide margin
My birthstone is pecan pie.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.