Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

The news in a nutshell.

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.