Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.