Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

Geez man, take it easy.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start

This kid is going places

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.