RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Well, shit
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.