I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
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Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Saturday
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.