what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
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Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.