Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

dude it’s called proctologist

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.