ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
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The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Hit me in the face with a bird
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers