Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
he’s doing your taxes
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.