Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

Everything reminds me of my ex

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.