I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
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Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically