My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Tammy is short for Tamuel
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
New mindset, who dis?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.