Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Good boy 😂😂

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”