Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

LMFAOOOO

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Can you solve the riddle??