13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
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911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
North and South
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Good morning y’all ☀️
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.