Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
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Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap