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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Same pineapple, same
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Yes 😂
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.