date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
You Might Also Like
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer