I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
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You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.