“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
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My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”