“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
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Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.