My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Oh boy, $150,000!
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
How wrong was this guy?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*