I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
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An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
