Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

A dad and his duck

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.