I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
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[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting