Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*