Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there