Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

As per my previous tablet…

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old