Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.