Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

She puts the hot in psychotic

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?