Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
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Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon