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People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
linkedin the good parts
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet