Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

oh she’s cooked

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that