Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.