Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
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Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
spicy snake
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???