I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?