Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

Haha good job!!

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it