Punctuation Matters. Period.
You Might Also Like
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
*pokes sex life with a stick
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”