Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

happy valentine’s day to me

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.