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Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Okay this one takes it home
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[montage of me giving-up]
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg