Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef