Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Life cycle of cat
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look