Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
You Might Also Like
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling