Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

I falcon love using swear birds

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

john wicks are toilet candles

…

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.