To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
You Might Also Like
Midwest trash talk
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.