Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

I’m too immature for adultery.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.