The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
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Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I saw this ending much differently.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
neighborhood watch
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
They did not miss in the small print
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.