Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Hotels are back
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
A dad and his duck
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.